With the second third of our lives comes a significant change in what is now acceptable attire. While in our twenties wearing the most popular fashions made us appear hip and confident, we must now tread lightly with those same trends as a thirty-something. Ed Hardy can translate directly to desperation and early mid-life crisis, low-rise jeans say, ‘I want to be my daughter…or at least be a MILF.’
Here are the top ten tips for staying age appropriate when it comes to ‘second third’ fashion.
- Just because the Juniors section carries sizes that fit you, doesn’t make it ok to shop there. Segregation in the department store is for your own good.
- Avoid studs, large tears, patches, giant embroidered patterns, mesh, fishnet, and spandex.
- Absolutely no belly shirts!
- Clothing stores are for buying clothes – not for pretending that you are in a tikki hut, frat house, rave, etc. If you can’t hear your conscience over the music blaring then don’t even enter.
- If Miley Cyrus or any other Disney star is wearing it, you should not be.
- Skinny jeans + second third male = dead puppies.
- Unless you are wearing a bathing suit or have a life threatening condition, underwear is always required.
- Guys, sleeveless shirts are now solely for the purpose of yard work or exercise.
- In general, avoid clothing stores that also sell any of the following – pre-wrinkled or destroyed clothing, body piercing jewelry, Hello Kitty.
- Please – woman or man – keep your areolas to yourself.
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